Bradley Cooper is cute. He reminds me of a Golden Retriever. He's shiny and friendly. When you enter his house, I bet Bradley Cooper runs over to greet you. It is flattering that Bradley Cooper -- with his straight teeth, sleek coat, bright eyes, and breath that smells of eucalyptus and peppermint -- is so very interested in you. But your happiness is short lived. Someone else enters the house. Bradley Cooper turns his back on you and greets the new person with the same outlandish degree of zeal and focus (but now he has drool hanging from his chin). It's not personal. It's just Bradley Cooper's nature. Bradley Cooper is a cheerful, inveterate crotch sniffer.
And Bradley Cooper doesn't deserve the title of People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive. Actually, I didn't care for anyone on that list so I followed in the footsteps of Beck and Hannah and wrote:
My List of Male Celebrities Who Have Gravitas and Hence Make Me Swoon and Bring The Sexy Wherever They Go:
(Where ever possible, I included "grey beard porn." YOU ARE WELCOME!)
1. Chris Pine. When I look at Chris Pine I have sin in my heart. And fire in my loins.
2. Alexander Siddig. He gets prettier with every passing year. I wish he would show up on my doorstop and repay that compliment.
(at this point I'm going to implement a Star Trek actor boycott or else the list will consist entirely of Star Trek actors. Patrick Stewart! Avery Brooks! Zachary Quinto! Robert Beltran! Jonathan Frakes! Connor Trinneer! Michael Dorn!)
(Edited on November 17 @ 4PM -- I couldn't resist. I'm adding the following photo collage.)
3. Jon Stewart. "Drop those smarty pants, Jonny!" would be my idea of foreplay.
4. Pierce Brosnan. Instead of blogging, I am going to write Remington Steele erotica. Sound good?
5. Neil McDonald. Big words + liberalism tempered by real-life experience + sexy scowl and furrowed brow = the real reason I watch CBC's The National.
6. Colin Farrell. He's the list's token bad boy. But he's a bad boy who, with the love of a good woman, will become a good boy.
7. David Tennant. Trust him. He's a doctor.
9. Ron Livingston. "Dumped Carrie Bradshaw via Post-It note" was what I typed into Google because I couldn't remember his name. I loved him best in Defying Gravity.
10. Gerard Butler. He was very sexy as the dad in Nim's Island.
Honorary Mention: Rex Murphy -- WHAT?! He's probably really, really good at pillow talk. I'm sure it would be educational and FILTHY!