Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Once Upon A Time.

It's high time I wrote a memoir. Why not? All the other mommy bloggers are doing it. That one famous mommy blogger did it, so I will too. The first steps will be to cultivate talent, learn to use punctuation and mine my past for interesting stories that -- while outlandish -- have at their core universal wisdom.

Fuck that.

I'm going to start by choosing a title. Sadly I've not had an original idea since 1997, so I'm just going to borrow copy steal misappropriate steal the genius of another memoirist. Here are some possible titles:

Trek Shriek Whinge.
It'll be just like Eat Pray Love, but instead of 108 tales of self-discovery, I'll just ramble on about loving of Star Trek, being loud in public and writing about my hurt feeeeeeeeeeelings. As homage of the original, I will be travelling to Canadian towns that start with -I. With any luck the Chambers of Commerce for Innisfail, Irricana, Invermere, Iroquois Falls, Ituna, and/or Iqaluit will underwrite my expenses.

I Know Why the Inside Cat Howls.
Birds. He wants to eat the uncaged, singing birds flying passed the window. This title might be better suited to a chapter rather than a whole memoir. A very short chapter.

A Million Little Pieces of Lego All Over My Living Room Floor. 
Suck on it, Oprah.

Lola's Bargains.
In manner of Frank McCourt's Angela's Ashes, I'll write about my mom. But without all the poverty, the dipsomania and the disfunction that made McCourt's book such a downer. Instead you'll learn all about my mom (the titular Lola) and how she scores the BEST bargains at garage sales.

Tuesdays With Mort.
Every Tuesday I will watch an episode of Murder, She Wrote featuring Cabot Cove's Sheriff Mort Metzinger, then I will ruminate on how he's JUST AS CLEVER AS JB FLETCHER!!!

Girl, Interrupted By Screaming Children. 
I haven't had a complete thought since the birth of my...what was I saying? What am I doing? How did I get here?

Dreams From My Father: A Story of  Not Inheriting His Love of Hockey. 
Just like Obama, I will use my memoir to unnerve xenophobic white people in gated communities in the American South. Can I base an entire book on my deep-seated aversion to hockey? No. But I could always branch out to tell stories about sulking in my room because my dad is watching the hockey game and refusing to let me change the channel so I can watch a repeat of a Star Trek episode.

Dress Your Family In Gortex and Polar Fleece. 
The adventures of a northern Canadian family who get rained on every time they go camping.

Nan and Nancy.
365 Days of me reinterpreting and performing Nancy Sinatra's These Boots Are Made For Walking. When this gets turned into a movie, I will NOT be played by Amy Adams.

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Which one do you like best? Let me know, because the sooner I pick a title the sooner I can get down to writing can select an appropriate font.


  1. I like all those titles. I cannot choose which one. Maybe A Million Little Pieces of Lego. But really, you cannot go wrong with any.

    I read Angela's Ashes and I HATED IT. God, what a depressing, horrible book. I'm depressed just thinking about it. See also: my feelings on The Glass Castle. Let's just say I'm not a fan of alcoholic fathers (like anyone is, really.)

  2. There would be something poetic with ripping off the Million Little Pieces guy, I guess. How about People Who Live in Glass Castles Shouldn't Fire Photon Torpedos? (I love this post).

  3. I'm partial to A Million Little Pieces of Lego, but that's probably just because it speaks to me on a personal level.

  4. Hey now, *I* haven't written a memoir.


    Don't give in to peer pressure to be the blogger you're not! Come hang out on the uncool blogging side with me where we can make horrible Spock jokes and discuss the merits of snow on ALL holidays, including the summer ones you don't even have in Canada like Memorial Day (this upcoming weekend, and it totally snowed last night) and the 4th of July. But if you are intent on this folly, can your cover feature a really hunky shirtless guy? I personally appreciate those ones at Target (despite the poor literature which I'm sure is inside of them) on the mornings I have to spend working in the book section. After all, cover art IS the most important thing after font choice, and most of the memoir ones suck.

    1. I like the one about all the Lego pieces all over the floor since that's how my house usually is..

  5. I would definitely read any of these, but I think I liked Lola's Bargains the best. Perhaps you can start a new supermarket-discount-paperback craze for memoirs about how your childhood was pretty standard, really, and you turned out fine.

  6. My goal for this weekend: have a complete thought.

    The Legos thing would be why I'm not currently having any. My feet. My poor, poor feet.

  7. Complete thought all the way.

  8. You made me laugh with this post. If, as a writer, you can make readers laugh, you're a winner. So go forth and write that memoir. I'd suggest Pray Whinge Shriek, but I did love several of your titles.

  9. I love all of these. I love this post. I would read any of these books.