I'm going to start by choosing a title. Sadly I've not had an original idea since 1997, so I'm just going to
Trek Shriek Whinge.
It'll be just like Eat Pray Love, but instead of 108 tales of self-discovery, I'll just ramble on about loving of Star Trek, being loud in public and writing about my hurt feeeeeeeeeeelings. As homage of the original, I will be travelling to Canadian towns that start with -I. With any luck the Chambers of Commerce for Innisfail, Irricana, Invermere, Iroquois Falls, Ituna, and/or Iqaluit will underwrite my expenses.
I Know Why the Inside Cat Howls.
Birds. He wants to eat the uncaged, singing birds flying passed the window. This title might be better suited to a chapter rather than a whole memoir. A very short chapter.
A Million Little Pieces of Lego All Over My Living Room Floor.
Suck on it, Oprah.
In manner of Frank McCourt's Angela's Ashes, I'll write about my mom. But without all the poverty, the dipsomania and the disfunction that made McCourt's book such a downer. Instead you'll learn all about my mom (the titular Lola) and how she scores the BEST bargains at garage sales.
Tuesdays With Mort.
Every Tuesday I will watch an episode of Murder, She Wrote featuring Cabot Cove's Sheriff Mort Metzinger, then I will ruminate on how he's JUST AS CLEVER AS JB FLETCHER!!!
Girl, Interrupted By Screaming Children.
I haven't had a complete thought since the birth of my...what was I saying? What am I doing? How did I get here?
Dreams From My Father: A Story of Not Inheriting His Love of Hockey.
Just like Obama, I will use my memoir to unnerve xenophobic white people in gated communities in the American South. Can I base an entire book on my deep-seated aversion to hockey? No. But I could always branch out to tell stories about sulking in my room because my dad is watching the hockey game and refusing to let me change the channel so I can watch a repeat of a Star Trek episode.
Dress Your Family In Gortex and Polar Fleece.
The adventures of a northern Canadian family who get rained on every time they go camping.
Nan and Nancy.
365 Days of me reinterpreting and performing Nancy Sinatra's These Boots Are Made For Walking. When this gets turned into a movie, I will NOT be played by Amy Adams.
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Which one do you like best? Let me know, because the sooner I pick a title the sooner I