Tuesday, August 14, 2012

My New Career: Wedding Planner to the Stars.

Dear Jennifer Aniston,

Congratulations on your recent engagement to Justin Theroux. On behalf of everyone who's ever watched an episode of Friends or been subjected to the portmanteau Brangelina, I'm glad we're finally going to get over this:

I'm boggled that anyone still cares about a marriage that lasted less than 5 years, and ended seven years ago.


As you get down to the business of planning a wedding, I'd like to make two suggestions about handling the groom. Firstly, explain to Justin that there is a difference between whimsy and immaturity. This is particularly important because Justin looks like the kind of guy who will decide to celebrate his nuptials by pairing a colourful pair of Converses with a tuxedo.

Secondly, do whatever is necessary to talk Justin out of wearing something similar to this:

I'm not a fan of tattoos, and the ones sported by the future-Mr Jennifer are particularly ugly. Keep 'em under wraps at all costs:

Any chance you will be having a winter wedding? Because I think you are just the woman to bring back Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan-worthy fur hats:

I can understand why you'd avoid this look.  Your hair is your signature statement. Maybe it's best to showcase your hair AND your other famous asset: your Pilates-toned legs. Here are some dresses you could consider:

Hybrids are all the rage today, so don't discount the mullet-dress look:

Have you thought about wedding cakes yet? Maybe this will inspire you:

Of course in your case, the entire cake would be composed of Power Bars.

I'll keep you updated should any more inspiration come to me. In the meantime, give Oprah a call and let her know she's out of the running for bridesmaid. Tell her I already called dibs on that honour. Be gentle with her. Send her some sipping tequila as a consolation gift.




  1. I love this so much I don't know where to start. The suit with shorts. The mullet dress. The 3-D portrait cake. Or sculpture cake? Whatever, I wish I had one of those for my wedding. I didn't even HAVE a damn cake. I was holding out for a sculpture, I guess. Can you imagine someone eating your cake boob? If it was one of your drunk uncles? That would be super awkward.

    1. I would cut slices off that cake and walk around yelling, "EAT ME, ASSHOLE!" I would also be drunk in this scenario.

  2. The brother of one of my coworkers got married with an all-conversed wedding party, including the bride with some white sparkly ones. I'm very torn whether it's an awesome idea or horrifying. Although really, some of those tuxedo shorts would have made it SO much better.

    1. Now I like the bride-in-converse idea. It's fresh and original. But it's become pretty common for grooms to wear them.

  3. Way to take one for the team. I appreciate that you looked at god only knows how many horrifying wedding dress websites to bring us these fine examples of horror.

  4. This is so wonderful...just when you think it could not be worse. The cake though that really scares me.

    1. I'm less scared by the bride-cake, than by the expression on the real bride's face. She is pissed.

  5. Justin's leg art is revolting. What is that? The grim reaper and some 80s video game characters? I don't see that this Justin person is capable of keeping lá Aniston happy, but at least he won't leave her for Angelina.

    The 3D bride cake is horrifying. In the awesomest way ever. I would attend more weddings if I knew I could see something like that.

    The bride wearing the see-through dress is making me sad, however. Who is she? Is she a mail-order bride whose only role will be sex kitten? Are her gigantic and gravity-defying boobs the only thing she brings to this union? Poor thing.

    Also, you are the funniest person on the earth.