Dear Jennifer Aniston,
Congratulations on your recent engagement to Justin Theroux. On behalf of everyone who's ever watched an episode of Friends or been subjected to the portmanteau Brangelina, I'm glad we're finally going to get over this:
I'm boggled that anyone still cares about a marriage that lasted less than 5 years, and ended seven years ago.
As you get down to the business of planning a wedding, I'd like to make two suggestions about handling the groom. Firstly, explain to Justin that there is a difference between whimsy and immaturity. This is particularly important because Justin looks like the kind of guy who will decide to celebrate his nuptials by pairing a colourful pair of Converses with a tuxedo.
Secondly, do whatever is necessary to talk Justin out of wearing something similar to this:
I'm not a fan of tattoos, and the ones sported by the future-Mr Jennifer are particularly ugly. Keep 'em under wraps at all costs:
Any chance you will be having a winter wedding? Because I think you are just the woman to bring back Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan-worthy fur hats:
I can understand why you'd avoid this look. Your hair is your signature statement. Maybe it's best to showcase your hair AND your other famous asset: your Pilates-toned legs. Here are some dresses you could consider:
Hybrids are all the rage today, so don't discount the mullet-dress look:
Have you thought about wedding cakes yet? Maybe this will inspire you:
Of course in your case, the entire cake would be composed of Power Bars.
I'll keep you updated should any more inspiration come to me. In the meantime, give Oprah a call and let her know she's out of the running for bridesmaid. Tell her I already called dibs on that honour. Be gentle with her. Send her some sipping tequila as a consolation gift.