Friday, January 11, 2013

More half-assed opinions and predictions about the Oscars..

Part 1 of my completely random, poorly researched, utterly biased predictions and analysis of Oscar nominees is here.

• • • • • • • • • •  

Hollywood loves hookers.  It is with this fact in mind, that I selected my winner for this category:

Amy Adams, “The Master” 
Anne Hathaway, “Les Miserables” 
Sally Field, “Lincoln” 
Helen Hunt, “The Sessions” 
Jacki Weaver, “Silver Linings Playbook”

In addition to playing a prostitute, Anne cut her hair and lost 25-pounds. This kind of dedication makes the Academy salivate so she's an easy in. 

Like a good hooker should be.

Alan Arkin, “Argo” 
Christoph Waltz, “Django Unchained”
Philip Seymour Hoffman, “The Master” 
Robert De Niro, “Silver Linings Playbook” 
Tommy Lee Jones, “Lincoln”

None of these men are hot so I am unable to consult my loins for their opinion. I was inclined to vote for Christoph Waltz (the only who had not previously won an Oscar), but "Django Unchained" appears to be both violent and humourless.  I'd rather ignore it completely.

I picked the only one of the five I'd like to be seated next to on a long plane trip.

Ang Lee, "Life of Pi" 
David O. Russell, “Silver Linings Playbook” 
Behn Zeitlin, "Beast of the Southern Wild" 
Michael Haneke, “Amour” 
Steven Spielberg, “Lincoln”

It will be either Russell, Lee or Spielberg. I'm playing my Canadian Patriotic Zeal trump card again.

See previous post for explanation.

“Life of Pi” 
“Silver Linings Playbook” 
“Zero Dark Thirty”

"Argo " will also win the "Playing Fast and Loose with Facts" Award. This award doesn't exist but it needs to be invented.

“Django Unchained” 
“Moonrise Kingdom” 
“Zero Dark Thirty”

Dear Denzel Washington, 
I think you are swell, and I'm picking your film just to get in your good books. 

PS -- A passenger plane could not fly upside down like that. Just wanted to make sure you knew that. 

“Beasts of the Southern Wild” 
“Life of Pi” 
“Silver Linings Playbook”

I chose the only one I'd read. Also probably the only one I'm going to try and see. 

We're in the home stretch, but I think we need to pause and look at some pretty scenery:

(This is where we had our wedding!)

Ah. That mental sorbet was just what I needed.  Going through this list is making me nostalgic for my university days. I always made a point of seeing all the nominees for Best Picture. My equally-movie-mad friends and I would get together and watch the award show. We'd dress-up like characters from the nominated films and lip synch to the song nominees. It was fun. 

Let's muscle through.

Bradley Cooper, “Silver Linings Playbook” 
Daniel Day-Lewis, “Lincoln” 
Denzel Washington, “Flight” 
Hugh Jackman, “Les Miserables” 
Joaquin Phoenix, "The Master"

I watched the trailer for "Silver Linings Playbook" and I found myself attracted to Bradley Cooper. His acting was so powerful I forgot that he is really a beautiful, not-smart Golden Retriever who greets all women by goosing them with his nose. 

But it was a fleeting crotch tingle that is nothing compared to my reaction to Hugh Jackman. 

ZING! Oh, yes. In my book Hugh wins every night. No. Really. Every night I compose Wolverine fan fiction in scribbler I keep between my mattress and box spring. Hugh wins. Every night. Every which way.

Emmanuelle Riva, “Amour” 
Jennifer Lawrence, “Silver Linings Playbook” 
Jessica Chastain, “Zero Dark Thirty” 
Naomi Watts, “The Impossible” 
Quvenzhané Wallis, “Beasts of the Southern Wild”

I don't have very strong opinions about any of these actress. Except for Quvenzhané Wallis. She is a adorable. However, there are not enough vowels in her name and I have no idea how to say it. I fear if she wins either her real name or her character name (Hushpuppy?!) will become popular. I do not want this to happen.

In the end I chose based upon who will wear a fantastic dress. 

And finally...

Beasts of the Southern Wild 
Django Unchained 
Les Miserables 
Life of Pi 
Silver Linings Playbook 
Zero Dark Thirty

I have taken the liberty of crossing out the titles that have zero chance.  But my snark reserves are depleted. Anyone want to do this one for me? 


  1. I would read that Wolverine fanfiction. Oh yes, I would.

  2. "Like a good hooker should be." HA HA HA HA HA!

    Sadly, I too used to a) see every Best Picture nominated film, and b) have an Oscar party where I would clean up every year while wearing a lovely gown. Youth is wasted on the young, no?

    This year I haven't seen a single movie that is nominated for anything (well, I did see both Brave and Pirates! Band of Misfits, so you know, I am ALL OVER the animated category). I think Best Picture will clearly go to Lincoln, as the US needs a rah-rah kind of year. Also, Tommy Lee Jones is... kind of... okay, forget I said anything.

  3. "ZING! Oh, yes. In my book Hugh wins every night. No. Really. Every night I compose Wolverine fan fiction in scribbler I keep between my mattress and box spring. Hugh wins. Every night. Every which way."

    Well, you know how I feel about Hugh. And Wolverine, the sexiest superhero ever. Except maybe Iron Man, but I'm only saying that because he's a billionaire. Or the guy who plays Bruce Banner, he's kind of sexy.

    I've lost my train of thought. HUGH.

  4. I love when you mention your loins multiple times. Also, I just realized that when someone says 'hugh' and not 'huge jackman', I have no idea who they're talking about. His name in my mind is HughJackman, apparently. Also also, it makes me think of this guy I knew in university named hugh and his engineering nickname was huge g. rection. So clever, those engineers. I have never ever made it a point to see all the oscar-nominated movies, and I often don't like the ones I do see. I think Spielberg will probably win, for something fresh and original.

  5. That picture of where you had your wedding? GORGEOUS! So is goodness yes he is. I hope that he wins. Not sure about Best Picture, but I think that Lincoln is a very safe bet.