Tuesday, April 2, 2013

OPINION: An Open Letter to Trekkie Women in the throes of Pon Farr.

This is a parody of an open letter published in the Daily Princetonian on March 29, 2013. 
Susan Patton has been discussed and lambasted far and wide.

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Advice for young Trekkie women: the daughters I never had.

Forget about having it all, or not having it all, leaning in or leaning out — here’s what you really need to know that nobody is telling you: it is beneath you to marry a man who doesn't know a dilithium matrix from a bio-neural gel pack.

For years (decades, really. Since 1965, to be exact) we have been bombarded with comforting notions that our beloved fandom is going mainstream. This has been especially true in the last five years. Maybe it's the rise of Etsy purveyors selling beautifully rendered fan art, the popularity of The Big Bang Theory, or the rebooted movie franchise? Whatever the cause, it appears that the stigmatization of being a Trekkie is lessening. We can have it all — we are Trekkie women, brilliant, resourceful, very well-educated females with extensive canonical knowledge of all things Trek.

I was a single Trekkie woman looking for a suitable mate with which to enter my Finiis'ral in the
mid-nineties. I knew that the virile plains of Star Trek conventions were a precursor to professional, biological, Roddenberry-esque success. Never being one to shy away from expressing an unpopular opinion, I said that I wanted to get married and have children. With a Vulcan male. It was seen as heresy. And slightly delusional. But I persevered and attended as many Star Trek conventions as I could once I was released back into the community. And I found my very own Jean-Luc.

For most of you, the cornerstone of your future and happiness will be inextricably linked to the man you marry. Only at Star Trek conventions will you have a high concentration of men who are worthy of you and your Mirror-Universe Uhura outfit.

Here’s what nobody is telling you: find a mate at a convention before you can no longer hold your own against the "allure" of the booth babes. Yes, I went there.

I am the mother of two sons who are both Trekkies. The universe of human women they can marry is limitless. Hell. The universe of human men they can marry is also limitless. The reason is simple: everyone loves a man in uniform.

Men regularly marry women who don't have a highly-refined appreciation of Star Trek. It’s amazing how forgiving men can be about a woman’s lack of erudition, if she is exceptionally pretty or merely agrees to give their first born child a middle name like Leonard, Jean-Luc, Miri or Guinan. Smart women can’t (shouldn’t) marry men who aren’t already Trekkies. As Trekkie women, we have almost priced ourselves out of the market. Simply put, there is a very limited population of men who are as smart or smarter than we are when it comes to esoteric details about the series and movies. And I say again — you will never again be surrounded by this concentration of men who are worthy of you as you are at the Official Star Trek convention held in Las Vegas every summer.

Of course, you could try to meet prospective mates via other means. Participating in on-line fan forums.  By sending tweets to Star Trek actors.  While standing in line in the early hours of May 17 hoping to be amongst the first Trekkies to see Into Darkness. You could even attend conventions that aren't dedicated specifically to Star Trek. This latter option is particularly fraught with danger. Here is a truth that you know: by attending a generalized entertainment expo you face the real threat of having to settle for a Bronie, a Brown Coat, a Doctor Who fanboy or worst of all: some clown who collects comic books. But ultimately, these men and these fandoms will frustrate you. A Trekkie woman can only be happy if she finds a man who loves Star Trek to the same extent.

If I had daughters, this is what I would be telling them.

Live long and prosper,

Nan | wrathofmom.blogspot.ca


  1. BWAH HA HA HA HA!!! Oh, Nan. I love this so hard. Tears in my eyes from laughing.

    Imagine my horror when AFTER I was married that I found out my darling husband loves original Star Trek but finds TNG "a space soap opera". NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

  2. "Some clown who collects comic books"! Hahaha, that is actually ME! Love this.

  3. This made me laugh so hard last night that my husband had to come and investigate what was going on. Sadly H does not enjoy any version of Trek, but he has been redeemed by enjoy other fantasy/sci fi things that I also enjoy. I did not have to attend various sci fi conventions to find a compatible nerd, grad school accomplished the mission.

  4. Confession: I actually did not marry a Trekkie. In fact I married the only engineer on the planet who has ZERO geeky pop-culture interests. His hobbies are science, outdoor adventure sports, cooking, and patiently tolerating the three geeks with whom he now lives. In real life I cast no aspersions on other fandoms or collectors. Promise.

  5. This is funny!! I am guessing since you have just admitted that Mr. Wrath is not a Trekkie that you did not meet him at a Trek Convention??? Oh such a scandal!!

    1. I will sacrifice truth in order to mock Ms Patton, she's obviously a ridiculous snobby woman.

  6. You should have seen my fawning comment I started writing! Suffice it to say that I love this and you and would marry you EVEN THOUGH YOU DIDN'T GO TO PRINCETON.